I suppose I should take it as a good sign that I actually want to write. So often in the recent year, I just haven’t wanted to. Take your pick of excuses; too tired, uninspired, too busy.
Right now, though, I feel like I am bursting with thoughts and, therefore, must write them down.
It is a strange thing to have no direction. I have no plan, no ultimate goal. It makes me feel . . . lost. Conversely, I am also overjoyed at some of the new developments in my life. I feel overwhelmed with happiness. Lost and overwhelmed. What an emotional combination!
On the one hand, I feel like I should be planning for something; setting some kind of goal. But I know not what. It’s as if I am marking time, waiting for something. And I am not good at waiting. In fact, I am terrible at waiting.
On the other hand, I quite suddenly have this amazing presence in my life. It’s like a shiny new bauble. I keep wanting to look at it, examine it (sometimes over-examine it), show it off, polish it until it shines, and keep it safe. Sometimes I am simply ecstatic that it exists at all. Other times, I fear the losing of it.
It is an odd juxtaposition of feelings; jumbled up and tumbling around inside my head and heart.
So what to do?
Someone has told me that I should simply enjoy what is. Do not worry about what could be, what might be. I don’t think I’m built like that. I like plans, I like schedules, I like things to fit neatly into a box. I don’t really like the tumult inside me. But I think they are right.
I am not in my comfort zone. I’m dealing with two areas of my life that don’t fit so neatly together. I can’t tie it all up with a string. It’s messy and unruly and . . . . unknown. And I think this might be exactly the way it is supposed to be.
I had the rug swept out from under me a few years ago. I fought hard to get back to a place that I could control; a place of stability and comfort. But, while stability and comfort are nice and were hard won, this is not the core of who I am or what I want.
I take risks. I close my eyes and jump. I go on adventures. I want to laugh and learn and and explore and be happy.
Perhaps the real problem is that it has been so long since I’ve taken a leap I’ve forgotten how. I’ve forgotten what it feels like. Maybe I’m not waiting for a direction, but looking for inspiration. Although, what I will be inspired to do will be anyone’s guess.
For now, I know I should stop letting certain things make me feel boxed in. And I should start opening my heart to the other joys so recently entering my life. It may not be easy, but I have small suspicion that it will be worth it.